Receiving the news

It was last thursday that news was broke to me.

Mum had a relapse of colerectal cancer.

Mum was silent for a while. Trying to find words to say, to reply my casual query about her regular follow up consultation with her oncologist. I was expecting the usual reply from her, "Nothing much, the same". But when her reply came after a brief yet deadening pause, Nothing much was indeed the same again.

It was the second time we received such news. For a while, both of us did not know what to say thereafter. It was just as shocking as the first time round.

What happened thereafter and the questions I asked her further about what the doctor said I cant remember because... just like her when news was broke to her earlier in the day about her relapse of cancer, I was in a daze. It was as if I had left the scene, too painful for me to be present, more painful for her.

That night, I had to go back to camp for my reservist training...in a state of shock... in a state of anxiety that I could not be by her side... to be with her even if I could not do anything. As I sat in the cab speeding back to camp, with two of my campmates chatting in the back seat, I was virtually lost in a world of my own. I was waiting for the emotions to surface but they were hiding sneakily. My body was still in a state of shock before it could react with emotions.

I was not going back to camp that night... I was embarking on a journey... to support mum... to help her win this battle again.